I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
These tits shall not be calmed
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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