Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
