Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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