Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Randomize
