dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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