i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
