The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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