I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Less talking, more tequila
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
