This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
