You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
