hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
