dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
bring money and cleavage
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
