jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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