nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
