im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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