My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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