Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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