My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
