Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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