i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
