literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
