i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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