he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
