found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
