Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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