He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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