She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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