I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
