Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Someone signed my nipple.
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