he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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