Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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