Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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