Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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