you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
