Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
