The maid of honor just puked.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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