Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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