well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
