You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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