I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
