Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
