I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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