He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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