Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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