i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
