You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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