a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
