Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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