sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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