I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
